He made it the best it could possibly get, or so it seemed, but yet, it all still ended up w/him hanging at the end of a rope in a bitter, unhappy finish. Maybe it hurt that way because it was like he did it, instead of me…. ?

I got VERY low at the start of this year, and I made it out. But EVERYTHING in this life is cyclical, so that ‘low’ will be coming back and I’m going to have to tough it out again, which although is daunting, is something that is just part of my wreckage that I cant seem to jettison or ever finally conquer… Now I’m going to say something that may seem callous, or insensitive; but at 61, I don’t know what kind of real ‘tragedy’ it is for someone to kill themselves.

No time to regret something that final either, he just made the decision, and then was no more. An adult has the right to disappear that way… Now, whatever side of the opinion you might have, is fine, I’m NOT looking to have anyone agree with me here as I’m only speaking from a perspective of being depressed at times where I don’t know how I made it through, aside from those years when I could consume SO much alcohol, I wouldn’t even know the day, month, or where I’d been for Lord knows how many days in a row. I just drank until I was so sick I had to detox until I could start all over again…

But time is as cruel as any/all the worldly punishments that we can ever encounter, and as time washed over me, it took away my durability, my vigorous adventures of inhaling gallon after gallon of beer to destroy the reality that was haunting me. More time came and went, washing away even more of the veneer, or enamel I had that would help me string those days/weeks together. Now I was crippled from ANY amount of drinking, and riddled with as much if not even more pain from the bibulous endeavors, and that was torture. But not like the torture of learning that the coping mechanism was being disabled and taken away pretty much once and for all…

You don’t drink more as you get older… Any old ‘drunks’ out there, started late and not at 14…. the body doesn’t allow going full tilt for more that 20-25 years before things start to dissolve, for real..

Did Tony need or care about any coping mechanisms anymore? Was it panic? Was he burned out, and no longer cared about disappointing those MILLIONS of fans with this exit stage left? Was it him finally tired of one alarm clock to the next, living out televised escapes that was now nothing more that jumping thru hoop after hoop for everyone else’s pleasure?

It doesn’t matter one fucking bit what caused it. He did it and bailed and it’s over.

It hurt seeing that news this morning.. because he was sad and lonely and didn’t want to live anymore. And that’s a very relatable feeling that I wish I wasn’t familiar with.

Now, the day/evening ended with me seeing TSOL tonight… and I’m very glad to have done so. Gentleman Jack reminded me that when you really love someone you do NOT listen to them when they ask you to go away or want to dismiss you. Because then, you didn’t really love them if you go quietly….. Like I did recently…. Shame on me because he’s right.. and maybe I do need a restraining order against me to finally get my heart to stop beating for someone who washed their hands with me in very easy fashion….

Look, I rarely go to shows anymore, I don’t need any connection to the past via old favorite bands and venues with hot chicks, etc.. I’m old, those girls don’t want to fuck me, and I can’t win any fights should I start any… But this was a great albeit ‘accidental’ appearance at their gig, and the banter in between songs was as important to me as some of the foundation tunes they had in their set list. Even though they didn’t play ‘Weathered Statues’ I was happy with 2 of my other faves in ‘Silent Scream’ & ‘Die For Me’…. ‘Peace Thru Power’ would’ve been great too, but…. it didn’t happen.

There’s not much else to say about 6/8/18,…. See you next time.

– T. von.

~RIP Tony Bourdain~